my "true will" is to be moved by my interpretation of meaning, rather than an event. Free will may be an illusion. but my true will is to find the perspective that empowers me.
your worst fears come true and next.... you need to thrive.
My self actualization is not in the external accomplishments, my self actualization is porportional to my self transcendance

I had the opportunity to excersize my true will today.
first I would like to say
hoorah for getting off your bike and walking when you are scared of the cliffs
and hoorah for aluminum frames
I can fly over my handle bars with FLAIR now.

Some of you on my flist know me in RL and have seen me topless. Many of you have asked "hey whats that scar on your back?"
and I say "well I had heart surgery"
they did fix the valves. There is nothing they can do about the wall between my two chambers being the wrong shape. I had an incident today and it became an opportunity to excersize my true will.


I fell behind. Miles of steep incline and the heat really got to me. I was upset. People that I knew were weaker than me were miles ahead. and I was alone. My heart was not beating properly. I knew I was going to be okay but it hurt!! I was PISSED. I dont know if you have ever tried to help anyone who is having a heart attack but aren't they crabby? They dont make it easy for you to help them do they. There is something about heart trouble that makes you feel rage. So I layed down on the ground in the shade. I hated the mountain. I hated myself. I hated the heart that I was born with. I wanted to cry. I was probably one fifth through my adventure.

I waited for my heart to start beating normally again and then I got up and decided I was not going back to the car. I was going to ride the mountain even if I was far behind and alone.
I remembered what my mom told me when I was pregnant with Aidan.
dont expect any help. dont expect the father to stay with you. dont expect me to help you. Imagine that the baby is crying and it is the middle of the night and it is JUST you and that baby. Use that to decide if you are putting him up for adoption or keeping him
and i did use that measure. i proceeded to be a single mother in Alaska.
and that is what the mountain was like for me this weekend. It was not for socializing, it was JUST FOR ME. and i could take what I wanted from it.

this is what I took.
I like my funny little body. and I love my spirit. I am glad I am here. and I am glad that I learned that that this trail was too advanced for me. and I saw beautiful things. and I know exactly what I cant endure. so I wont try this again till im stronger. I cant believe how many falls I took and how many miles I put on. yay me. im a liger.

Thanks



know what else I discovered? ravens that live in logging areas can sound just like chainsaws